Automobile

C’mon, Man, This Is a Truck (and C’mon, Man, This Is Satire)

Illustration by Alexander WellsCar and Driver

ev of the yearC'mon, Man, This Is a Truck (and C'mon, Man, This Is Satire)

C’mon, man. This was, as even my friends on the other side of the aisle concede, always going to happen. Of course I’m going to sell my exclusive drive of the Ford F-150 Lightning to my favorite car magazine, the one you’re holding in your hands right now. What’s that? The kids don’t read magazines? They don’t know what they’re missing. Now, I didn’t land this Lightning exclusive because I personally knew Henry Ford. That’s horsefeathers! I’m serious.

Look, folks, no one outside the Ford Motor Company has driven the electric F-150, and let me tell you, it’s all about clean, good, green jobs, good American jobs building them. But it’s also about the future.

Torque is the future. That’s not hyperbole. By golly, it’s got torque. A big 775 pound-feet worth. Let me tell you, when I hit the accelerator, this thing pulled harder than the Amtrak from Washington to Delaware. I nearly spilled the sarsaparilla I had in the cupholder! Get the big battery and it’ll go 300 miles, which will make it possible to go from sea to shining sea if you can find a DC fast-charging hookup.

Let me tell you, the Lightning’s torque is sweeter than chocolate-chocolate-chip ice cream in a sugar cone. That’s my go-to. Good stuff, folks. Baskin-Robbins, Ben & Jerry’s, or the Häagen-Daisy, Dazs. I have a freezer full of ice cream in the White House garage, right next to my ’67 Vette. Gotta keep the things you love together.

Anyway, this electric F-150 is the future. No malarkey. And boy howdy, isn’t she pretty? Square, bright, and built to last. There’s no engine up front, so there’s a space to bring home the latest from Admiral and RCA. It’s the sort of space you have in the overhead bins on the train. Ford has more than 70,000 orders for this new truck. You know, it’s always encouraging to see the young people caring about things and smiling about things and ordering things with their stimulus checks.

Infrastructure and great trucks like this one are one and the same. It reminds me of when I was growing up in the Electric City, Scranton, Pennsylvania, where I learned about hard work, and that’s what it’s going to take to rejuvenate our electrical grid, but that’s what we’re going to do. I just had a great idea. How about an electric ice-cream truck? That’s coming, right? Of course it is. Because America can do anything.

We want a future where every Ameri­can has a clean, American-made, nonpolluting pickup. And good roads and bridges to drive it on. It’s about batteries, too. Great American batteries that go into American machines like this 563-hp pickup. American lithium and American ions working together, coming together, doing that chemistry foxtrot. Were these batteries made in Delaware? Can someone look into that? Because the F-150 is really the right vehicle for the entire Delaware Valley, from Trenton to Philly and Wilmington. You can even power your house with it. When Old Man Winter sends a nor’easter that knocks out your Kelvinator, now your ice cream won’t melt. That’s safeguarding America.

This is literally bigger than politics. The Lightning is the kind of truck that will appeal to all Americans. Good, honest folks who keep me humble but always hopeful and, and . . . you know I see them at Mass every Sunday, and they tell me about their trucks. But now we’ve got a truck with batteries, a big-screen TV in the dashboard, and you’ll get $7500 back when you buy one! Have we talked about Amtrak? Of course we have. But you know, it’s important. It’s vital. And there’s nothing better than eating ice cream on Amtrak. Except maybe in an F-150 Lightning filled to capacity with 2000 pounds of ice-cream sandwiches. Weren’t those invented in Pittsburgh? Someone check on that.

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